An Open Letter to My Former Crush

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written by Gillian Olivia Witter

 

 

I’ve had my eye on you for years. At least three years now.

 

We met at a wedding of some very dear friends. At first, I didn’t notice you at all. I had an important role to play, as the officiant at the wedding. It was the first ceremony I officiated, so your fine ass wasn’t even close to being on my radar. Once my role was completed and the pressure was off, I started to see different things. I started to see you. I did my daily oracle card readings and the card “Soulmate” came up. Who the heck is my soulmate? That card had never come up for me in this deck, so I grew curious and excited. After that reading, I went to the reception to get drunk and dance my pants off.

 

There was a moment on the dance floor. A Rihanna dance tune, “Where have you been?” came on. I was singing the song, loud and proud, and was looking right at you. I am not sure if you were looking at me, too, but in that moment it felt like you were, and I was singing those lyrics to you.

 

Where have you been?

Cause I never see you out

Are you hiding from me, yeah?

Somewhere in the crowd.

 

I had a blast at the reception. I remembered the other few moments on the dance floor. You were dancing with me, in a friendly way of course, as you danced with everyone. At one point, you said to a friend and me, over the blaring music, directing the statement to me, “Man, I love this girl,” as we danced in a group.

 

So, wonderful spirit world, is he my “Soulmate”?

 

The wedding was a destination event so there were a few more days to see whether this meant anything. In my eyes, it didn’t mean anything because you had your eye on someone else. That’s cool. It happens.

 

“I got my eyes on you, you’re everything that I see,

I want your hot love and emotion endlessly.”

(Drake - Hold on, We’re Going Home)

 

Once home again, and after being off Facebook for over a year, I went back on, to stay connected with you. I wanted to see what you did, whom you dated, your friends and family. In true Facebook stalker fashion, I studied your moves. Well, whatever moves you made public on Facebook.

 

I would get excited when there were social gatherings and I knew you would be there. Even, if we just spoke for a moment, that would be a moment with you. Cheesy, I know.

 

Honestly, I really just wanted you to see me. I saw you. And not just through Facebook. Okay, okay, okay, a lot through Facebook. But also during the few times we’ve corresponded. I felt I saw your heart. Not only are you exceptionally attractive and well educated, but you also love what you do, have a great family, support system, and excellent friends.

 

I saw you. I saw this great guy whose friends are all getting married and having children. Possibly, just as I did, he had a personal conversation with himself, asking, “What about me?” So, you throw yourself into friends, work, family, and dating gorgeous women. Nothing seems to work out. You are still not part of the married-with-children-friends club. But this may be completely inaccurate.

 

So, why don’t you see me?

 

In my vividly imagined future, we would be so perfect together. Not only are our astrological signs compatible, but I also think we would relate well and be connected interdependently. And we would make gorgeous babies.

 

Why don’t you see me?

 

My oracle cards said you were my “Soulmate.” Then, every tarot reading after that said the same thing. I painted us together. I dreamed of us, together. I showed my friends your pictures and told them about you.

 

You still can’t see me?

 

Okay. Honestly, it doesn’t matter now. It really doesn’t matter. Because, as much as I would love to be in a loving, connected relationship with you, if you don’t see me, you are not the right person. If you do not see my greatness, my feminine power, my open unconditional loving heart, my strength, and kindness… then you are not the right person. If you do not see my weakness of depression and sadness and do not ache in your heart to be the person to be my support system… you are not the right person. If you do not see the substance of my personality, my loyalty of convictions, and the stories behind tears, scars, and words… you are not the right person.

 

But are you my “Soulmate”?

 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

“A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master... ”

(Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love)

 

The answer is YES! You are my soulmate. You shook up my soul. Without even doing anything, you helped me realized something so important: All those things that you do not see in me? The RIGHT person would see, and never want to let go. The right person will want to be with me. So, we might never even have gone on a date or had a phone conversation, but you opened me up to the realization that I am worth it. I am worth a great man in my life who will give me exactly what I need. And I can do the same thing for him. So, thank you for being my soulmate. You may not be what one normally thinks of as a soulmate, but you fulfilled your role perfectly.

 

I am grateful.